


Quirks and Quarks

by Kayka



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams, InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Adventure, F/M, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-14
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-12 03:31:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/486177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kayka/pseuds/Kayka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sesshoumaru. Kagome. The final frontier. Drabble Series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Weather Arm

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I'm not currently in ownership of the Inuyasha franchise… or the HHGTTG franchise… or any franchise, actually.
> 
> A/N: I've had an idea for a drabble series I've had rattling around for a while. Drabbles will be written if and when I have inspiration and/or for contest entries.
> 
> Just to clarify, this story is set in the canon universe… obviously divergent, and we won't be seeing many of our canon characters for a while.
> 
> Vaguely inspired by the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. I've never read about Sesshoumaru and Kagome being shot off into space, so here's my attempt at being a unique snowflake. For the Lulz. Mostly mine.

**Episode 1: Weather Arm**   


* * *

"I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be."

-Douglas Adams

* * *

"Uh-oh… It slipped."

A niggling feeling, somewhere in the vicinity of his left elbow, warned Sesshoumaru that he had suffered this exact statement, from this exact girl, before. With a longsuffering sigh unbefitting of his station, Sesshoumaru queried, "What unwitting blunder have you committed this time, miko?"

Eager to absolve herself, Kagome commenced her tirade of, "We would not be in this situation if you hadn't asked for my assistance in examining this screaming metal death trap," which seamlessly melded into, "are you even listening, you insensitive jerk."

Sesshoumaru ignored her blusterings in light of an alarming, rapidly increasing whir. The girl shrieked, upheaved by the suddenly shaky conveyance. In an indisputably chivalrous move, he caught the flailing female and settled into a crouch close to the floor. The machine rapidly evened out, allowing Sesshoumaru to graciously dump the abruptly catatonic female.

Striding to the nearest window, Sesshoumaru's chest constricted upon the dawning realization of what his eyes beheld.

 _They_ had _flown_ into the _heavens_. _They_ had _passed_ the moon. The Earth was rapidly dwindling in stature, silhouetted in front of the majesty of what could only be the sun. To borrow from his half-brother's lexicon, _they_ were royally _fucked_.


	2. The Antithesis of Panic

******Episode 2: The Antithesis of Panic** ** **

* * *

"'I like the cover,' he said. ''Don't Panic.' It's the first helpful or intelligible thing anybody's said to me all day.'"

-HHGTTG, Chapter 5

* * *

Tucked away in the far reaches of Kagome's backpack, lived what she termed her survival kit. Consisting of a few energy bars, emergency water bottles, and various items of medicinal origin, Kagome lamentably found herself fresh out of useful things such as astrophysics books or guides on exolinguistics.

At that instant, a book popped into existence and landed in the girl's lap with a soft thud. Gingerly lifting her boon with two-parts awe and three-parts suspicion, Kagome determined that it wasn't really a book at all, but rather, a device bearing strong resemblance to a book. In fact, she almost believed it was a book, except for the gentle thrum it exuded at her touch.

Inscribed in a language perfectly comprehensible to her eyes were the words, "Everything You Need to Know About the Universe and Several Things You Didn't, Volume One."

"Maybe the language barrier won't be so hard to surpass, after all," she ventured.

Kagome was free to peruse this newest development at her leisure, as Sesshoumaru had exhibited no signs of moving, or signs of life for that matter, since he had taken up his post in the observation bay some time earlier.

When poking the cover did not seem to immediately yield disastrous results, the miko opened the curious thing with little ceremony and began perusing a selection entitled, "How to Survive on 9100000 Dencharing Squills a Day."

Randomly, she wondered, _if Sesshoumaru had wanted such a resource, would it resemble a scroll instead?_ The book began to flow in and out of existence in her hands until it was replaced with the imagined scroll.

Unperturbed, Kagome shrugged and accepted the change as she unfurled the scroll. Soon thinking that the book form was easier to manage, the device shift back, once again a book.

"Make up your mind, you nitwit," danced affably across the page. Kagome gesticulated and muttered a few choice words, causing the text to shift to a section on rude gestures and where one could put them. Realizing the futility of arguing with a book that could quite possibly hold her fate in the balance, Kagome tossed the suddenly temperamental repository on top of her squashy yellow backpack.

Leaving the area to further explore the ship, she walked through a sighing doorway to find the very same book lying innocently upon a table of sorts. The smarmy little bastard was following her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Tuck  
> Word Count: 400


	3. Essential EYNtKAtUaSTYD,V1 Entry 1: A History

**Essential EYNtKAtUaSTYD,V1 Entry 1: A History**

* * *

"The _Guide_ is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate."

-The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Chapter 6

* * *

Everything You Need to Know About the Universe and Several Things You Didn't, Version (Volume) 1, henceforth known as EV1, rose to the position of top repository of knowledge in the universe based upon magnificent pastry marketing strategies to the young and impressionable, and due to its capability to obtain illegal copies of various [removed by editor]. Within a single generation, it attained the monopoly on the then slim market for absolute universal repositories. It is also .76 Denovian crewts cheaper than its stilted major competitor: The Universal Encyclopedia, which contains only stuffy, esoteric blather.

The "Version" in the title was changed to "Volume" in the year 548693068 due to numerous versions being released with no change to the version number. There exists only one volume of EV1 due to the revolutionary infinite-intelligence nature of its storage and recall system.

As the number one repository of all knowledge, there exist no discrepancies within EV1. Ever. Any incongruence experienced is likely a result of fractured perception.

EV1 boasts working translations of every known language in the universe, including several only known to amoebae species and their earthling cousins. Its charming genuine personality modules ensure a unique experience for each individual user copy.

Article subject to verification by the editor. Don't worry, he'll never get to it because he's on holiday.

 

Further Reading:

Changing History: Methods for Mucking About Time by Deltrar ^892

The Universal Encyclopedia by the Better Space Bullocks Bureaucracy Inc. -Trust Me, It's Not Worth It- -EV1

Document End.

Enter User Search Function: |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theme: N/A
> 
> Words: 254


	4. Episode 3: Paradigm Chatter

**Episode 3: Paradigm Chatter**

* * *

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream, and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."

-HHGTTG, Chapter 1

* * *

Though reserved, Sesshoumaru was a demon of action. His predilection toward analyzing a situation and ensuring an outcome served only to amplify the impotence he currently felt.

The miko, it seemed, had been attempting to garner his attention for quite some time and, at some point, had been emboldened enough to lay her clawless finger upon his person in a series of soft jabs. Curiously, she seemed positively unfettered by the grim reality of their shared circumstance.

At his glance, she commenced babbling gibberish, from which he could only conclude that she had been farther removed from reality than he had previously assumed. Then again, his perception of reality and what was possible had been fundamentally altered in the past few hours.

At this point, it is important to note that if Sesshoumaru had checked Everything You Need to Know About the Universe and Several Things You Didn't, Volume One, he would have known that paradigm shifts occur every three minutes on average throughout the universe, and he would have also learned various coping strategies for this ultimately unremarkable experience.

As Sesshoumaru had not yet had the opportunity, he ignored the miko's previous queries in favor of his own dazed, " _How_?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Ignore
> 
> Word Count: 200


	5. Episode 4: Willfully Obtuse

**Episode 4: Willfully Obtuse**

* * *

"OK, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking, yeah?"

-Zaphod Beeblebrox

HHGTTG, Chapter 11

* * *

"So, I want to preface this with the fact that I don't know _how_ exactly, but it starts with having a ship, like the one we're in, sealed away from the outside. And then, there's a magical fire that pushes the ship around," Kagome gesticulated enthusiastically.

After her arduous, albeit, bumbling explanation concerning both physics and magical forces, Sesshomaru continued to simply stare at her. Kagome knew the cogs in his sharp mind were turning.

Finally, after suffering the scrutinizing intensity of his gaze for what was assuredly centuries, Sesshoumaru poised himself to voice one last burning question.

"Is there any tea on this spaceship?"

* * *

 


	6. Episode 5: Button Catalysts

**Episode 5: Button Catalysts**

* * *

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

Mostly Harmless, Chapter 12

* * *

Engaging in a staring contest with the control panel, as he later learned it to be called, was likely not the most effective way to discern the purpose of the numerous buttons, switches, and other moveable parts for which he had no name. He was disinclined to do more than breathe over the panel lest it caused the ship to function undesirably, that is, explode. From the miko's ramblings, he gathered that it would be most inconvenient to exist outside of the vessel. Thus, he was left in his current predicament: to push, or not to push the pulsing red button? Such a cumbersome decision would be better made with his preferred beverage.

The human was presumably fetching his tea. At least, that's what she had been mumbling when she excused herself.

As if mere thought had summoned her, she popped onto the scene. Adorned head to toe in a seamless, formfitting, reflective, coal-colored garment, her ensemble was accented by a pair of ridiculous bobbing antennae secured to her cranium.

His tea was notably absent.

It was not often that the Demon Lord of the West was at a genuine loss for words. His silent nature tended to be in direct proportion to his position and antipathy toward most beings.

With mouth agape and widened eyes, he barely noticed the twitch of his hand, which happened to be resting upon a pulsing red button.


	7. Episode 6: Vacuum Noise

**Episode 6:** Vacuum Noise

* * *

"For a moment, nothing happened.

Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen."

-HHGTTG, Chapter 33

* * *

Sesshoumaru visibly paled, a feat, mind you, in realization as to what he had done. All of his contemplation and onerous planning regarding his strategy for testing the multitude of buttons was completely and utterly for naught.

He then became distinctly aware of two things. First, and foremost, he and the human were not currently suffocating amidst space debris. Secondly, the ship seemed to be visibly whirring to life around them. The once dim interior was gloriously alight. What he had presumed to be a window adjacent to the control panel began emitting numerous, awful keening sounds until it finally settled upon prattling cheerfully in intelligible Japanese.

Having no precedent for this, Sesshoumaru eyed the spectacle warily.

The ridiculously dressed miko diplomatically opted to converse with the machine, just as he had witnessed her jabbering to a bound scroll some hours earlier. Sesshoumaru surreptitiously inched toward the portal leading to other parts of the ship.

As the machine seemed to hold its own intelligence, the human began with their story and how they now sought a way back home. The machine offered no quick solution on how to return to Earth. Instead, it laid out their predetermined path and estimated time of arrival on some strange planet.

Ever effervescent, Kagome soon steered the conversation away from important matters to trivial pursuits. The machine seemed more than happy to talk. Incessantly. Without pause. He idly wondered how one could carry out half an hour's worth of mindless chatter with one's transportation.

In his ponderings, he became certain of two things. Firstly, the human was likely unstable, more so than he had previously thought. Secondly, he was surely dead, and this must be hell. Deigning that the conversation between human and machine would yield nothing more of merit, Sesshoumaru silently excused himself.


	8. Episode 7: Angular Meltdown

**Episode 7: Angular Meltdown**

* * *

"Life," he said, "is like a grapefruit."

"Er, how so?"

"Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside,

wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and

some people have half a one for breakfast."

-So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish, Chapter 23

* * *

She found him in the galley waging war with the appliances, that is, if wars could be carried out solely with glares whilst standing completely inert.

Incidentally, as EV1 would have it, the Golgothansof Extreynous did exactly that against their unfortunate opponents, the Cleaneties, in the _War of Unseemly Circumstance_. The war was short-lived; the Cleaneties surrendered in the first battle, the Battle of Waterpoo, which lasted approximately one hour when the Cleaneties could stand the stench of their opponents no more. Unfortunately, Sesshoumaru did not possess the necessary odiferous pungency to pull off such an affront, nor did any appliance in the galley possess the basic olfactory receptors to make such an angle of attack viable.

Without bothering to hide his distaste for the numerous gadgets surrounding him, Sesshoumaru acknowledged her with a terse request for his tea. It was not that she had forgotten his earlier request, but rather, she had simply become distracted when she came across her super cool, and totally amazing, jumpsuit. Though, truth be told, while it did wonders for her figure, she would probably have helmet hair for a week.

As luck would have it, Kagome was able to find a mostly full carton of tea bags in her trusty yellow pack. She scoured the room for containers approaching the functionality of a cup. In a mild fit of vexation caused by not being able to find said cup, a demon lord studiously ignoring her existence while continuing to intimidate furniture, and her new computerized friend apparently not offering any assistance in finding the object, she instead wished for one to appear.

A cup, unlike any she had ever seen, exploded into existence and clattered down onto the surface below. Plucking the cup from the countertop, Kagome was prepared to continue on with her task until a clawed hand grasping her wrist inhibited further progress. The opportunity to announce her annoyance was forestalled as the offending demon relinquished his grasp in favor of a pointed gesture.

"What magic is this?" Sesshoumaru inquired with suspicion.

"Um, I actually have no idea. It happened earlier, too," Kagome helpfully supplied.

Eyeing the apparently innocuous container distrustfully, but making no further action to prevent her task, Sesshoumaru whisked by her to resume his former position in the center of the room.

Kagome opened the device most likely to function as a microwave and pressed a random smattering of buttons to commence heating the water. Pressing the button to release the door to the device, it promptly exploded.


	9. Episode 8: Retro-rooter

**Episode 8: Retro-rooter**

* * *

"Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both time and space a good deal. At least being lost in space kept you busy."

-Life, the Universe, and Everything, Chapter 1

* * *

For a small eternity, the only sensation Kagome felt was painfully bright. The searing pain was ripped away almost immediately, and she perplexedly, nauseatingly, found herself pulled backward. Not in space, but rather, through the inverse space of a minute. When time righted itself, the machine bore no evidence of the recent events.

Dimly, she was aware of the demon lord questioning the origin of the cup. He proceeded to lodge a formal complaint after an unacceptably long time had passed with no forthcoming answer. Of course, that is just a figure of speech, as a formal complaint would have been notarized and submitted three weeks prior to the infraction in triplicate.

Finally, she spoke.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru, do you want to learn to use the microwave? I think it would be _enlightening_."


	10. Episode 9: Scattered Focus

**Episode 9: Scattered Focus**

* * *

"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed"

-Marvin, HHGTTG, Chapter 11

* * *

Utter befuddlement was a state peculiar to one Sesshoumaru. However, since the commencement of this inadvertent journey some hours ago, the state of befuddlement seemed to be persisting with unsettling frequency. Confusion made him cranky.

The priestess's prank did not help matters. He idly noted that it would be unwise to take her lightly in the future. The subject of his thoughts soon sought to make amends for her streak of mischief.

Sniffing haughtily, he accepted the proffered beverage, recoiling after a single sip. Greenly, he announced, "Miko, it's _congealed_."

And thus concluded Sesshoumau's grand and noble quest for tea.


	11. Episode 10: Space of a Salesman

**Episode 10: Space of a Salesman**

* * *

"Eddies," said Ford, "in the space-time continuum."

"Ah," nodded Arthur, "is he? Is he?" He pushed his hands into the pocket of his dressing gown and looked knowledgeably into the distance.

"What?" said Ford.

"Er, who," said Arthur, "is Eddy, then, exactly?"

-Life, the Universe, and Everything, Chapter 2

* * *

It was, as Kagome learned, difficult to determine the passage of time whilst aboard an alien spacecraft. After the most recent fiasco, Sesshoumaru had secluded himself and was pouring over the EV1 in effort to avoid future surprises. Thus, the miko found herself alone attempting to put together what she supposed would be lunch.

After consuming her fare, Kagome set off to carry Sesshoumaru his meal. As she reached the corridor containing the demon lord's current sanctuary, a curious thing happened.

Inexplicably, there seemed to be what could only be described as 'knocking' coming from the ship's hatch. After she spent a second in bewilderment, Sesshoumaru deigned to poke his head out into the corridor. Observing that the noise was not a bid for attention from the priestess, he strode away to investigate the mysterious banging. After a few more seconds spent in indecision, Kagome followed.

Opening the airlock merited much less fanfare than she anticipated. Their little bubble of atmosphere seemed bound to the ship and unable to escape into the suffocating vacuum of space.

The hatch retracted, and before them _swam_ the oddest cephalopod either had ever seen.

"Ai've Cahm tew sehl vahkewm kleener. Ver nais," It burbled.

"Um… Not today… Thank you." Kagome politely declined.

"Ohkae, nex taim?"

With that, the creature jetted off into the inky blackness, leaving the stunned priestess and inured demon lord.

"How did it even…?" Kagome's question hung.

"This one does not know; this Sesshoumaru has not yet perused the chapter regarding space-squid."


	12. Episode 11: Crowded Solitude

**Episode 11: Crowded Solitude**

* * *

"Ford," he said, "you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."

-Arthur Dent; HHGTTG, Chapter 9

* * *

At six days, seven hours, eleven minutes, Kagome, tired of her sleeping bag, determined the sarcophagi she discovered must be beds. Settling herself inside one, she inadvertently activated cryogenic stasis mode.

Six days, seven hours, fifteen minutes, and fifty-one seconds into the journey, Sesshoumaru knew serenity.

Slowly, the absurd feeling of loneliness crept upon him.

Seven days, thirteen hours into the voyage, Sesshoumaru, with a deep breath and crisp nod to himself, did the unthinkable.

Seven days, thirteen hours, thirty-seven seconds into the trek, Kagome groggily watched the luminous angel stride away. The flying, pink elephant did little to improve her delirium.


	13. Episode 12: Entropy

**Episode 12: Entropy**

* * *

"There was an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine.

Now concentrate!"

-Zaphod Beeblebrox; The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Chapter 3

* * *

It was the realization that the flying, pink elephant was not fading into the obscurity of non-existence that jarred Kagome fully into wakefulness.

As was typical of her recent luck, the ship's computer accordingly chimed in, "Entering odd space. Please be prepared for breeches in normality."

Glimpsing the bridge, she dully noted that her barely-passed high-school physics class had in no way prepared her for such utter disorder.

Kagome spied her traveling companion lounging amongst the chaos, leisurely perusing the EV1.

Making her way toward Sesshoumaru, Kagome accepted the proffered flyer from a many-armed butler while simultaneously dodging a brilliant play by a koshkanball team.

Reaching the demon, she managed to make out the passage he was currently reading moments before she found herself being _cuddled_ by the Western Lord.

[entry]

The EV1 has this to say about Odd Space:

Avoid.

[/entry]


	14. Episode 13: Displacement

**Episode 13: Displacement**

* * *

"I don't believe it. Prove it to me, and I still won't believe it."

-Ford Prefect; Life the Universe and Everything, Chapter 12

* * *

For Kagome, the moment rapidly stretched into awkward. The suddenly touchy-feely demon lord seemed disinclined to release the miko despite her less than subtle protests.

Maybe he'd finally cracked under the pressure of odd space? It would definitely be understandable. It was times like these that she missed her simple, harried, jewel shard hunting life in the Sengoku Jidai. And her friends. And _Earth_ in general.

How she wished Inuyasha were here. At least he had experience with the perpetual oddness of the future. Not that the future had much bearing on jaunts across the galaxy in the past.

"What the _fucking hell_?"

Wish granted.


	15. Episode 13: Displacement

**Episode 13: Displacement**

* * *

"I don't believe it. Prove it to me, and I still won't believe it."

-Ford Prefect; Life the Universe and Everything, Chapter 12

* * *

For Kagome, the moment rapidly stretched into awkward. The suddenly touchy-feely demon lord seemed disinclined to release the miko despite her less than subtle protests.

Maybe he'd finally cracked under the pressure of odd space? It would definitely be understandable. It was times like these that she missed her simple, harried, jewel shard hunting life in the Sengoku Jidai. And her friends. And _Earth_ in general.

How she wished Inuyasha were here. At least he had experience with the perpetual oddness of the future. Not that the future had much bearing on jaunts across the galaxy in the past.

"What the _fucking hell_?"

Wish granted.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Chest  
> Word Count: 200


End file.
